Jun. 25th, 2011

katiemariie: Screencap of Braca and Scorpius in The Peacekeeper Wars with the caption "your love is weird and toxic" (Stock: Hang in there.)
There is no kinder, gentler, nobler animal than the common garden snail. It is a good, virtuous mollusk. When you offend a garden snail, it retreats. If you anger it, it blows bubbles at you.

There is no sexism in garden snail society, for they have only one sex.

In matters of romance, the garden snails gives as well as receives. Having both a penis and a vagina, it has the unique capacity of being able to top and bottom simultaneously.

The only act of violence a garden snail will ever commit it stabbing its partner with a calcareous "love dart" during coitus. The act is consensual and reciprocal. We do not know exactly why garden snails do this. So, it is very possible the entire species have a kink for stabbing each other.

Garden snails are patient and tenacious. They can also sleep for up to three years at a time.

It is not unheard of for a snail to be tempted by the scent of beer; indeed, those who would murder them, yet are adverse to using pesticides, are known to leave out bowls of beer in the hopes that a snail will come along, imbibe until it passes into the bowl, and drowns. Let us not think of the garden snail's drinking problem as a personal fault manifesting from an evil nature, but rather a disease stemming from a genetic propensity for alcoholism. It is important that we humans do not enable them by leaving beer about.

Despite the garden snail's nobility and gentle nature, many humans seek to destroy them. Naughty children take joy in pouring salt on snails, effectively burning them alive. These children will likely become serial killers.

Adults may cast aspersions on the garden snail's character for consuming items in their garden. If you share this attitude, and you reside in North America or Australia, remember that those snails are her because we brought them here. To eat them. It is a bitter irony that they are now consuming our food.

In the early morning or after a rainfall, take care to not step on the world's greatest animal.

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katiemariie: Screencap of Braca and Scorpius in The Peacekeeper Wars with the caption "your love is weird and toxic" (Default)
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